Remember Who I Am

Written By: Dori M. Pulse  |  Posted: Friday, January 30th, 2015

                I loved my grammas, and I considered them devotedly tough, made of cast iron. I gleaned important life lessons from both of them. They lived for many years alone in their own homes after my grampas passed away, cooking and always prepared with food treats upon a visit. My grammas slipped into heaven quietly, peacefully, and quickly. That is not always the case for our aging and elderly.

For most of my adult life, I've had a pocketful of elderly ladies that I love, dote on, and care for. Perhaps it's because I miss my grammas. Perhaps it's because I am paving the way for my own aged future. However, my love of God and His Word has the biggest impact: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." 1 Tim 5:8 (KJV)

As I've matured and become more closely involved with friends and relatives, I have observed a propensity to treat our aged seniors as if they were child-like, senile, or an inconvenience. One such example I experienced was a beautiful woman whose stroke left her with the inability to properly structure her sentences to communicate, and half of her body no longer responded like she commanded it to. She knew exactly what she wanted to do and say, but her brain and body no longer cooperated.

Although some of her family thought she no longer possessed her full faculties, all I had to do was look into her eyes. Her steady and meaningful gaze let me know she was serious about connecting with me. Responses with simple words were more manageable. I treasured significant phrase exchanges between us such as "I love you."

Her life changed from independence in her own home doing what she wanted when she wanted, to a life of controlled schedules, meds, meals, and confinement in a nursing home facility. Her initial days were obviously frustrating for her as she realized her fate and predicament. However, in our own way, we discussed her rehabilitation, looking forward to going to the bathroom properly and alone. Success was our hope and goal.

In a few weeks, we developed a routine wherein I asked her questions to determine what she wanted to communicate. Sometimes it was as basic as asking, "Does it have something to do with your room? Can I see it?" It wasn't long before I became familiar with her wants and needs, many times anticipating them ahead of time. I never doubted her ability as a smart, capable, and vibrant woman. Although the stroke denied her full mobility and speech, it was critical and right to provide her with dignity and respect.

I wanted each day, each visit, to be something she looked forward to.  She lived a year before the second stroke completely took her out of reality for a week. In the last hours, I read to her, stroked her hair, and affirmed my love for her. Dying with regret is tragic. I have no regrets about my relationship with her. Despite the fact she never realized the successes we talked about, she felt secure in our bond of trust, love, and honor.

I recognize and appreciate an elderly person's desire for respect as they experience their last days on earth. They've worked hard, raised families, paid taxes, and contributed to their community. On their last leg of living, the least we can do is assist them in maintaining as much of their identity as possible. Aging is not easy.

Whether your elderly relative or friend is sick, has dementia, suffered a stroke, or other malady, it is imperative to speak to them intelligently, succinctly, and lovingly. The last sense to go before death is the sense of hearing. Read to them, sing, recall precious memories, and affirm your love for them. If they know the Lord, reiterate God's promise of a new body and heavenly eternity. Hold their hand or hug them. Touch is a basic human need, and our elderly folks desire the warmth of our hands and arms.  Don't be afraid to know and love them. 

I want to tell my family and friends, "If I begin to forget who I am, please help me remember."

Dori M. Pulse is the author of "Everything Changed when I said 'I Do' - Preparing For and Living as a God-First Stepfamily."  Her website is StepFamilyRX.com.  She and her husband Bob live in Eau Claire, WI.